This past weekend, my Nana drove up from Leisure World (a lovely retirement community down in Laguna) to see
Baby-Ko. Sunday, happened to mark my Papa’s yarzheit so it was nice for her to spend the day with me and the baby, my Mom and Aunt N as well.
Nana: So, I have announcement.
Mom: What?
Nana: I went on a date.
All: What??! With who??
Nana: His name is H. We’ve sat next to each other at temple for years. His wife died 6 weeks ago.
Me: Six weeks ago?? Jesus. Isn’t that a little fast?
Nana/Aunt: No… no…
Nana: Honey, his wife was been sick for a long time.
Aunt: Men move on so fast.
Me: Okay, I guess. So how did he ask you out?
Nana: Well, he called me a few weeks ago…
Me: Which means his wife had literally just died…
Nana: It’s not like that, honey. He called and asked me if I would like to take a drive to go see the Ranunculus…
Me: Oh, that’s a line.
Nana: … Down in San Diego. I said, ‘Oh! I’d love to but I have plans. Maybe another time.’
Me: Did you really have plans?
Nana: Well, yes, but I’m not interested in dating either.
Aunt: Oh, mom, why not?!
Nana: I just, I don’t know. But then last week I thought ‘what the heck’ and I called him and said I was free if he wanted to take a drive….
Mom: How old is he?
Nana: Dear, he’s an old man. He’s 86 years old!
Me: That’s the pot calling the kettle…
Nana: Cut it out. I’m only 78.
Aunt: Is he handsome?
Mom: Is he rich?
Nana: Yes, he’s very nice looking. He has a very nice face. One of the best-looking fellows in Leisure World. But nothing like your father… he was gorgeous.
Me: Does he smell?
Mom: What? Like Old spice?
Me: No, like old man… Vicks vapor rub.
Mom: Does he dress nice?
Nana: Yes, he’s always very sharp.
Aunt: So, what’s the problem then mom??
Nana: He’s old! I don’t want to take care of another old man.
Me: Tell us about the date.
Nana: He came to pick me up and we drove down to San Diego.
Mom: Is he a good driver?
Nana: He’s fine.
Me: Oy.
Nana: We went to San Diego, and went to a place overlooking the Ranunculas-
Me: Like make out point-
Nana: …and then we went to a lovely lunch afterwards and drove back.
Mom: How nice.
Nana: When we got back to my house, he walked me inside –
Aunt: Did you hug or kiss?
Nana: No, nothing. He walked me inside and said, ‘You know, we’re not an item.’ I said, ‘Of course, we’re not an item. We’re just friends.’ And that was that.
Me: Who says ‘item’?
Aunt: Well, in this day and age, Mom, you don’t have to be an “item” to have sex.
Nana: What? No! No one’s having sex, dear. I’m done with that.
Me: Really. I doubt Leisure World is hopping with sex bunnies.
Aunt: So have you talked to him since?
Nana: Well, I sent him a thank you note-
Mom: A thank you note??
Me: What?! Why?!
Nana: It was a simple thank you for the date.
Mom: That’s so passive aggressive.
Me: That’s a little much, Nana. Especially if you’re not interested. Send an email instead.
Nana: He doesn’t have AN internet.
Me: THE internet.
Nana: I can’t email him anyway. I can’t find my yahoo.
Me: Apparently either can he!
Nana: Well, he called me two days later and asked me out for dinner.
Aunt: Talk about mixed messages.
Mom: Did you go?
Nana: No, I had tickets to the symphony so I said, “Oh, what a shame. I always love a free meal-“
Mom: You said you ‘always love a free meal?!’ Mom!
Nana: I know! Isn’t that awful?! So I called him back after I said that-
Aunt: Oh, mom! No!
Nana: I called him back and got his voice machine-
Me: Who says ‘voice machine’?
Nana : -and said that I really shouldn’t have said that and I would love to go to dinner.
Mom: Well, that’s the end of that.
Nana: No, he called me back and left a message on MY voice machine asking me for dinner plans this evening (but I’m here).
Aunt: So, will you call him back?
Nana: Well, sure. But I’m leaving on Friday for Europe and won’t be back for 3 weeks so I’ll have to see him when I get back.
Mom: Don’t worry, he’ll move on by then.
Aunt: Especially if you’ll never put out.
Nana: No, never.
Aunt: Why not? You’re not dead.
Nana: Honey, men that age don’t have sex anymore.
Mom: Sure, they do.
Aunt: Ever heard of Viagra? Cialis?
Nana: No, dear. You don’t understand, they all have heart conditions.
Me: Oy, that shit would kill them.
Nana: Exactly. That’s why I’d only date a man with a heart condition….
Me: To avoid having sex…? Ha.
Aunt: Well, there’s other things you could do you know?
Nana: Like what?
Mom: Uh, does he have arthritis???
Me: Carpal Tunnel???
Aunt: Lockjaw???
Nana: Oh! Stop!! It’s not going to happen. Can’t you understand that he’s too old? I don’t want to see a man that old naked. He’s an old geezer.
Me: Papa, alev hashalom, was an old geezer too.
Nana: But he was MY old geezer….
…and is very much missed. *
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