07.18.16
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IMG_7661 If there was an Olympic Sport for Blaming, I would be a renowned Gold Medalist. Part naturally gifted, part trained, I am an elite athlete with a skill level so high, even Nike couldn’t afford to endorse me.

I am that good.

I could say that I discovered my talent in 2003, at the start of my first marriage, but that would be an look like an admission of guilt, and good blamers don’t do that. Especially because: Everything is everyone’s fault anyway!!! 1st husbands, 2nd husbands, mothers, sisters, friends, KIDS (oh, don’t even get me started on the kids, they are the worst culprits): They all, for lack of a better word, screw things up. What did I do? Nothing. How do I play a roll in this? I don’t.

I’m perfect.

Why does the kitchen have a funky smell? Well… After, I threw out the broccoli from last month that I left in the fridge, “someone” forgot to throw out the trash. 1point me. 0 points him.

Why do I have cellulite? Because of my bad genetics (Mom, Grandma, heck, Ellis Island docking ANCESTORS: I blame you)

Why am I late dropping my son at school today? Oh, duh. Because the baby was taking too long to eat his breakfast. (Yes, folks. Even an 8 month old gets blamed in my house).

Why was the pool heater left on by me? Because no one (i.e. “him”) reminded me to turn it off.

Why did the last 10 minutes of the Bachelorette not record? Because the friggin’ cable went out AGAIN (And, NO. I do not blame the cable company. I blame THE CITY I live in for not having access to A DIFFERENT cable provider).

Dirty dishes…

Unmade beds…

Unread emails…

Unpaid and forgotten bills…

Cranky children…

My dirty hair…

The list goes on and on and on… And none of it is my fault.

You’re probably wondering: How do I even survive in a world full of people with so many flaws? Trust me, I know. I ask myself this everyday. But, here I am. A warrior. Ready to show the world right from wrong…

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the store to get more filters for the coffee maker. Don’t even get me started on who to blame for drinking all the coffee this morning… Oh. Wait. Never Mind.

FILED UNDER: A Little Life
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