It’s pretty depressing when the best and most flattering dress in your closet is a MATERNITY one (but just for the record, it is a Dianne Von Furstenberg and it’s fucking gorgeous.). I wore it all last summer when we had an event one weekend after the next and I was ten thousand months pregnant. But now, Mommy is not preggers and is in need of some major dress action…. We have a black tie wedding next weekend and a bar mitzvah the weekend after that, and then in October (yes, it’s still 3 months away but still), we are going back to Maui for my brother in law’s wedding (complete with rehearsal dinners and all). 
So after taking Baby-Ko to his favorite park today, I decided to go to my favorite “park” (a.k.a. Nordstrom) and do a little shopping… But let me just say this: the days of trying on clothes, and standing in front of the mirror and examining every last curve and detail are a thing of the past, my friends. Now, as I try to hoist my TWTs into slinky dresses (that will without a doubt require maximum strength Spanx), I ALSO must keep an eye out for Baby-Ko who feels quite at home on the floor of the dressing room …. acting as a human lint brush as he rolls around, using his fine motor skills  to pick up shmutz. (Honestly though, his pincer grasp technique is quite impressive. He could pick up a piece of dust if he wanted to). ANYWAY, fortunately my Aunt N was with me and to help entertain Baby-Ko and “yay/nay” dresses as I sped through try-ons.  After about 12 dresses, in 12 different sizes (“designer” dresses do run smaller right?SAY “RIGHT,” bitches),  I found a nice and affordable BCBG dress in navy with black trim that can work for both the Bar Mitzvah and formal wedding…. And on my way out, spotted (and bought) a darling Anna Sui scarf print chiffon dress perfect for Maui that was marked down ten times and covered all potential areas of back fat. Mommy scored.

Feeling very lucky (and perhaps insane), I then went on to do the dumbest thing: I decided to try on old dresses in my closet AFTER dinner. Obviously, I realize that the 8 pound tire around my waist did not occur within the 10 minutes that I devoured my turkey dog (with grilled onions, pickles and chips) from The Stand. But I didn’t think it would stop EVERY single fucking dress with a zipper from working (okay, from FITTING).   Your back is not fatter. It’s just different. Being pregnant made you different. From head to toe.

Well, I don’t want to feel “different” anymore. So Monday, ladies and gentlemen, mama’s gonna start watching it. I have signed up for this 30day/30 minute fitness plan and I do expect to see results. There are, however, some things on my body that may stay “different” forever. But, man, if this chick could make my feet one size smaller again, I’m pretty sure I could find a fabulous pair of shoes for both occasions… Okay, maybe two pairs….

FILED UNDER: A Little Life

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