If I had a dime for every time I used to say “When I have a baby, I will never ______” and then actually DO “the never” once I had a baby of my OWN, I’d be a very rich girl. Well, today, I think I managed to do every “never” I have EVER declared…

I had plans today to take my BFF to lunch for her birthday. I suggested we go to the Little Next Door because I have never been and because, let’s face it, 3rd street is a hell of a lot cooler than Ventura Blvd. As usual, my 8 1/2 month old partner in crime was in tow. As I shlepped the diaper bag and the world’s biggest stroller ever up the block, I prayed that Baby-Ko would put on his “city” face and play it cool for the next hour or so while mommy enjoyed her expensive salad and french pressed coffee with her friend. Of course, due to a top tooth cutting through, Baby-Ko was not so willing to play along.

As Baby-Ko fussed and squirmed in his stroller, then in my arms, then in my BFF’s arms, I began to panic. He was on the verge of a major meltdown so I had to pull out all the stops and began to commit a series of “nevers” one after the next…. I let him play with utensils, I let him bang his maraca on the table, I let him eat cheerios to his hearts content, I let him play with an old bottle of water in my bag… But when those “toys” no longer interested him, I went into DEFCON 5 and gave him MY CELL PHONE. Despite the fact that it’s probably made with lead paint AND the cover is missing ( completely exposing the lithium battery) my cell phone was, for a brief period, the ONLY thing keeping us from getting dirty stares.

Halfway through our meal, a very pretty, tall, tan mom (PTTM) walked in and sat down near us. She was there with her mom (I think) and her 16 month old daughter who immediately spotted Baby-Ko. When he saw the little girl, he immediately wanted to get off my lap and on to the floor where she was. He let out a huge screech and without even thinking about it, I sat him on the floor… The patio FLOOR of a fucking restaurant, where he pat, pat, patted the floor (like the bunny). For a brief second he was happy, making googly eyes at the girl and feeling free of my arms. But when the little girl wouldn’t relinquish whatever little toy she had in her hands, he lost his shit again. SO, I picked him up and offered my cell, AGAIN. My BFF, who was probably embarrassed at this point, suggested we “maybe get the bill?”

After Baby-Ko threw (my now broken phone) on the ground for the 10th time, the PTTM shook her head said to me, “It makes you wonder why we do it…”
“Hmm,” I laughed politely. Wonder why we do it….? I mean, I know she was commiserating, but I have to say, I have never “wondered” or questioned “why we do it”- why we have babies… I KNOW why we do it.
I do it because there is nothing more precious then feeling his breath on my cheek when he falls asleep in my arms…
I do it because his thighs are so delicious, I have to stop myself from taking a bite.
I do it because the sound of his giggle is infectious.
I do it because I have never seen anyone enjoy a cheerio so much.
I do it because despite the fact that I feel like I’m constantly disheveled, that I can no longer “do lunch” (certainly not in Hollywood anyway), that my tribeswoman tits are such pancakes that I might even enjoy a mammogram, and that my cell phone, aviators, AND iPod now belong to an 8 month old, I am completely and utterly in love…. and would NEVER trade it for the world….

FILED UNDER: A Little Life

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