A few weeks ago a friend told me about this LIST that gets emailed out every day from this “Famous” mom here in the valley; We’ll call her LIST GOD. Almost every new mom I know, knows her or knows of her. She is like the Tony Sopranos of Moms… She is really tapped in to everyone, everything, and everywhere. Her list goes out via email to over 3000 moms and she posts everything on her list from pre-school information to designer jean sample sales to car seat recalls to nanny leads. The list is fantastic and is very LA: probably read by other yentas like myself, wanting both access and information to anything that could give their child an advantage in life and/or anything discount or insider tip that could be advantageous to them.
So a couple weeks ago, the List God had a posting that said she “knew” of a nanny looking for part time work. I myself was looking for a part time nanny so that I could start writing again. I emailed the List God directly per the posting and she quickly responded. She told me that the nanny for hire was actually HER nanny but doesn’t want to “just send her anywhere.”- She told me that the Nanny has been with her for 3 years, since the time her twin boys were one month old and her kids adore her, but doesn’t need her every day now. We sent a couple emails back and forth and the next thing I knew, I had an interview set up to meet the List God’s Nanny. The List God told me I should call HER with questions about the nanny before I met her. Clearly, I was the one being tested out. I called all my friends with nanny experience and asked them what I should ask the List God about her nanny. I wanted to get the job. I mean, I wanted her to get the job….
When the List God’s Nanny showed up, I could tell immediately that she was a pro. We chatted about our needs and her experience. As she surveyed our house, I prayed she didn’t notice the tremendous dust ball that had formed underneath the baby’s swing that from a certain angle looked like a dead rat. I was also thankful that the baby smiled and flirted with her instead of spitting up on her pretty jogging suit that she declared the List God had given her for the holidays. I immediately flashed forward to the holidays and racked my brain for what to get her. Clearly, I can NEVER REGIFT with the List God’s Nanny. There is far too much at stake. It’d be like showing up to Tony Soprano’s house on Christmas with a cannoli from Costco. I’d get axed like Big Pussy. But when my/her interview was over, she said, “So I can start next Monday,” and I breathed a sigh of relief. Phew, we passed.
The following Monday, the Nanny showed up at 8:30 on the dot. I threw on my cute pink robe instead of the one with tomato sauce (I think) on it. I remembered that I had an appointment that day in Beverly Hills. (And by “appointment” , I mean therapy). I didn’t have enough breast milk pumped to safely leave the baby with the nanny at home so I told her that she and the baby would come with me and could go for a walk while I was at my “Doctor’s Appointment.” While we drove into the city, I had to think fast about what kind of doctor I would tell her I was seeing in case she asks me and inevitably report back to the list god. OY, can you imagine the posting on the List about this one?! “News Flash: J-Ko sees a therapist. Nannies and Preschools with waiting lists beware!”
Of course she never asked. But just in case, I am prepared to tell her I am seeing a Dermatologist for a mole that developed during my pregnancy. Well… On second thought, maybe I better stay away from “moles.” “Mole” sounds gross. I think I’ll go with “dry skin.”
Should this ever get back to the List God, the worst thing that could happen would be for her to send me a discount for fantastic body lotion. And THAT is information that I can live with.
Oh and PS - I won't tell her or my friends about this. I promise!!!
But the Tony Soprano of Moms? I am PEEING my pants.