I'LL NEVER HAVE SEX WITH BRAD PITT

I have a list. An important list. A list that has taken years to compile. In fact, I would have been pretty comfortable setting it in stone, but after my dream the other night, I’ve come to the tough realization that throughout the years, the list will change. More importantly: This list will NEVER come to fruition.

Like most happily married couples, my husband and I have created A LIST…. We each have a list of 5 celebrities that we would be allowed to sleep with SHOULD we have the rare and unlikely opportunity to do so. I think it’s safe to say that I’ll never have to whip an actual “list” out or have it notarized so I can say “I told you so”, but just in case, I’m well aware of the celebrities in my top five.

T-Ko and I have had many fun conversations with our friends about who we’d have sex with if we ever got the chance and it’s always a pretty fun debate. For instance, T-Ko (at one point) had the Olsen Twins down because he felt that they counted as one. Though I disagree and am shocked that he’d choose them over someone like (pre-pregnant) Jessica Alba, I have to give him credit for being so creative and trying to “buck the system.”

But now that I’m pregnant and feel that our lives are going to change forever, I believe that this list has bigger meaning than T-Ko finding the Olsen Monkeys attractive. In fact, I think my dream the other night was a reflection of the list and it’s meaning in our lives…

Being pregnant (for the first time) is pretty amazing. (I’ll save this topic for another post). It’s true about pregnant dreams. They’re very vivid and very real…

The other night, I had a dream that I was at a tennis match (I hate tennis). All of a sudden, Brad Pitt sits down next to me and totally starts flirting. (In the dream, he’s married to Angelina). Paparazzi are everywhere. Brad tells me not to worry, just smile and be cool as they take photos of us talking. He even takes my hand and touches my back. I’m pregnant in the dream but not showing so I decide not to tell him. I’m in shock (even in my dream) that Brad Pitt is talking to me. Then he asks me my plans for the night. I tell him I have plans with my girlfriend N. He invites N and I back to his hotel room to hang out with him and Heath (As in, Heath Ledger, of course. Who, by the way, I found attractive, like by osmosis, because he got to make out with Jake Ghylenhal (no. 2 or 3 on the list) in “Brokeback Mountain.”) I say I have to check with my friend but it sounds really fun. (In the dream I’m married but because it’s a dream, this of course is not an issue). The next part of the dream is blurry… but I remember that we go back to his hotel room and while N (who is also married) is making out with Heath, Brad and I making out too. …

I WAKE UP. Damn! I have to pee. Just when the dream was getting interesting. T-Ko has already gone to work. The phone rings. It’s T-Ko.
“Good Morning, Love” he says sweetly. “You still sleeping?”
“No. Just got up. But I had the most bizarre dream about Brad Pitt.”
“Really. What?” He asks. I tell him the whole dream. I tell him how odd it is considering that I’m not even really attracted to Brad Pitt. In fact, he’s not even ON MY LIST.
“Would you let me?” I ask.
“What? Sleep with Brad Pitt? No.”
“No, go to Brad Pitt’s hotel room if he invited me.”
“Of course not. Are you crazy?”
“But what if it was George Clooney… He’s on my list. Number one, in fact. What if he invited me… knowing I was married of course. And I went, because it was George Clooney and George Clooney invited me to his hotel room.”
“I get it. George Clooney. I get it. No. The answer is no.”
“Wait. So Jessica Alba, on your list, invites you to her hotel room. Says she and another hot starlet, also on your list, are going to be hanging out. You wouldn’t go?”
“Oh well, if it was Jessica Alba yeah. But I’d call you first and find out if it was okay,” he says matter of factly.

WHAT?! WAIT. Am I hearing correctly? Brad Pitt, most famous celebrity on the planet invites ME, pregnant ME, back to his hotel and I can’t go. But Jessica fucking Alba invites T-Ko and I’m supposed to give him the thumbs up to go for it. The hypocrisy!

“If a hot celebrity is going to be inviting me and a buddy to hang out, I’d tell you. What’s the big deal?”
“The big deal, ” half laughing as I realized what the dream really meant, “is that I’ll never sleep with Brad Pitt.”
“Good-“
“And not because I might not ever get the chance-“
“You’ll never get the chance-“
“But because I’ll never sleep with Brad Pitt.”
“I know you’ll never sleep with Brad Pitt. What’s your point?”
“My point is, I’ll never sleep with Brad Pitt, I’ll never sleep with George Clooney, I’ll never sleep with Michael Buble (my proudest addition to my list). My sleeping with the stars days are over. I’m married.”
“You’ve been married for 4 years.”
“Yes, but I’m married and PREGNANT. You think Brad would have wanted to sleep with me if he knew I was pregnant?!” I said starting to feel bad for myself.
“I want to sleep with you and I know you’re pregnant.”
“True,” I laughed. He was sweet. It wasn’t about Brad Pitt (he obviously has a thing for women with kids anyway). It was about my life changing. Changing in a way that I don’t think I’ve been able to fully understand or realize… I am so ecstatic, so in awe, so thrilled for my life to have a new meaning and new joy that I can hardly grasp it.

However, with life on the brink of changing, I’m going to take full advantage of my raging hormones and vivid imagination. If my list never sees the light of day, at least I hope it gets some action in my dreams. Even in my dreams, I doubt they’ll get too risqué or drawn out… I have to pee far too often.

FILED UNDER: A Little Life

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