Contradictions and the Baby Weight Loss Struggle

Contradictions and the Baby Weight Loss Struggle

Remember that time I said I was going to be kind and forgive myself for all the things that I don’t have a grip on? (No? Then refer to this post). Okay, so that was really nice. Lovely and heartfelt and dripping with completely sincerity. But now my hormones are back to normal are within the realm of norm (insert husband’s eye roll here) and the truth serum I’m serving isn’t holding punches:

I’m fat. Like scale fat. Like 20 pounds from this picture fat.

Now before you say, “Oh Jenny, I’ve seen you. You look great!” Or, “You JUST had a baby, don’t be so hard on yourself,” or “Honey, you’re almost 40!,” a) you can suck it and b) let me be clear: I’m in total food mood (so apropos I know ) and I just finished a very hefty glass of wine. Did I mention I’m typing this while sitting in the back seat of an uber, stuck in traffic on the 405? Apparently my driver has been driving for 12 hours straight and he’s currently shaking out his hand that seems to have fallen asleep, while that right foot of his is continuously slamming the break on this Nissan Cube like he’s competing in an MMA fight.

But I digress.

Where was I? Oh yes, fat. My fat. So I understand that baby weight can’t just, like, miraculously fall off even though some fashion bloggers I follow on instagram seem to have that luck…. I’m sorry, as if I’m not already insanely jealous that you have Valentino Rockstud flats in every color and more Chanel than Coco herself, now you have to stand there slightly pigeon-toe’d with your thigh gap and unbelievably skinny arms? I mean, am I the only one that has arms like the Bubby waving from the boat docking on Ellis Island circa 1918. It’s just not fair.

Look, I realize that in the real world, like the one where you can’t “Face Tune” your mirror (specifically, the one in the car that tells no lies. Mysterious black hairs, I’m looking at you), it takes TIME to get into the body you want to be in and the jean size you belong in. The thing that makes me most crazy though is that I can’t seem to figure out the right alchemy for me to lose said baby weight. For instance, in the past, cutting out dairy and gluten has had a huge impact on moving the dial. Now? Not so much. It just makes me bitchy. And I’m already pretty bitchy without having to feel like all I want to do is live in Paris and eat baguettes with Camembert and a bottle of wine for lunch. (Sorry, I say “dairy and gluten” and my mind immediately goes to me in Paris).

Anyway, the point is: Right now this whole diet/ workout thing is making me insane because everything is ONE BIG CONTRADICTION. How the hell am I supposed to lose weight when everyday the guidelines are changing? Is this an issue only in Los Angeles or is craziness everywhere??! OMFG! It’s a nightmare:

“Eat clean: Nothing with gluten, soy, or dairy. Or refined sugar. Definitely not refined sugar. Fruit is okay but not bananas, they make you tired. Except after a workout. You can have a half a Turbana medium banana. Just as long as it’s at 11:18am. And you add 1tsp of cashew butter.

That you have made from scratch. You need to make your own nut butter.

But also, stay away from nut butters, they’re really high in fat. And palm oil. That will kill you.
So will red meat. But if it’s grass fed and organic it’s fine. But only once a week. And the portion should be the size of your palm or smaller. Obviously, because it’s not paleo friendly and you’re kinda fat, you’ll avoid the bun, but if you get it with lettuce instead, just make sure it’s not iceberg, because it’s empty calories and not enough fiber. And truthfully, you really shouldn’t even be eating the meat in the first place because your body has to work too hard to digest animal protein. You should probably just give up the animal protein.

Try being a Vegan for 2 weeks. It will clean you OUT. You can eat as many fruits and vegetables as you like. Seriously, roast them, stir fry them—well, not with olive oil- because that will just make you fat—can you use spit? Spit is fine. Anyway, fruits, vegetables- and yes! Even Sweet potatoes! Don’t worry about the sugar content. It’s just vegetables! Same goes for carrots. Because as long as you’re not eating meat, you really don’t have to worry about calorie count.

Except that I’ve noticed your portions are too big. You shouldn’t really eat that MUCH vegetables. I mean, eat only vegetables, but like… not too much. If you’re feeling like you need some protein, almonds are fine. 6 almonds to be exact. Once a week. In April. Because that’s when they’re most fresh. Otherwise, tree nuts are really high in fat. And also hard to digest. Maybe you need a different protein? Eggs.

You should buy a chicken. Want the number to a private chicken breeder? My chicken’s cousin just had a new litter.

How much water are you drinking? You should be drinking water all day long. Half your weight in gallons. Of course, it needs to be alkaline water. Are you familiar with alkalines? How about amino acids? Please do not confuse the two. You will be fat forever. Anyway, I think you have too much alkaline in your diet — No. Not ALCO-HOL. ALKA-Line. Honey, you can forget ever drinking alcohol again. That will keep that belly roll on you forever. Anyway, coffee is really high in alkaline too, so you definitely need to give that up.

Unless it’s cold brew. Cold brew coffee is fine. It won’t make you go poop like the mud you normally make in your old school Mr. Coffee does, but it’s so much better for your gut and colon health. Especially if you drink it with sweetened AIR and turmeric. Turmeric is so good for inflammation. You should make tea at night with turmeric, cinnamon, and almond milk.

But not on day 4 of the 4 days you’re doing no almond milk. Because it will be too much with the fish you’ve just added back into your diet.

It’s fine if you eat sushi, but can you eat it without any soy, rice or fish?

Now let’s talk about your workout. Since you had a c-section only 8 months ago, I want you to go as slowly as possible, because you have a FUPA your core isn’t what it used to be. And your muscles need to heal.

So let’s start with 5 sessions a week, one hour long each. Tabata is great for burning fat. So are planks. Try planking while you sleep. And while you Kegel.

I want to make sure you’re really engaging your core at all times, so if you can add a spin, run, jump rope, daily walk, and yoga into your workout every day, that would be great. But all you need is 30 minutes. You can do anything for 30 minutes!

Of course, 30 minutes wouldn’t be enough to move the dial, but you can try a DVD if you can’t leave the house because of your kids and the amino acid chemistry lab you’ve set up, and see how you feel. Remember you need to go slow. You won’t get your body back overnight.

Especially if you keep eating sweet potatoes.”

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